Calorie Converter
by SparkOfRuby
Summary: 17-year old Junior, Kiku Honda is shocked when he finds out that he needs to lose weight. Plan in mind and having being set on dropping off just a few excess pounds, he may take trying to be healthy a little too far... [TW for Eating Disorders] [Part of Beautiful World Psychiatric series]
1. Chapter 1

Hello! I'm not dead (surprisingly)! While I am still working on some of my other fics *coughsSnatchedAwaycoughs* I decided that I wanted to start another fic centering Japan. This is part of a series kinda thing I'm doing where all the separate fics kind of tie in together (The actual series folder is on my AO3). Anyways, here it is- hope you enjoy :3

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"Is that all?" Asked Kiku, the teacher's assistant for Ms. Zwingli's health class. She looked up from her laptop with a smile and nodded.

"Just attendance, but I can do that. Thank you, Kiku." He nodded in acknowledgement and took a seat at one of the tales in the far back of the room. Not long after did the bell ring, and the hallway grew loud with the voices of students, some of whom drifted inside. Kiku watched them from over the top of the book he had been reading, silently analyzing each student that walked in. He had a knack for picking apart the good ones and the… "disruptive" ones.

While most hated having to attend health class, Kiku had always taken an interest in it. He'd wanted to be a doctor since Elementary, and took every chance he could to study. Of course, he dedicate every moment of his life towards it either. He leaned back in his seat as he watched Ms. Zwingli try and her start her presentation while the back row of students chatted in low voices amongst themselves. Finally, she had enough of them to actually start.

Most of what she had put down on the slides, Kiku already knew. Calories, Diets, Hydration, etc. had already been memorized. However, as he walked down aisles of desks collecting papers from the freshmen, he noticed that Ms. Zwingli must've added something to this year's syllabus. He went back to his former seat and looked up at the screen with interest.

The slide was titled 'BMI and Obesity'. While he did know what obesity was (obviously), he hadn't heard what a 'BMI' was until now. Kiku made himself a mental note to read up on it later, when he got home. In the meantime he listened as Ms. Zwingli explained more. When the bell rang signalling the end of the day, Kiku did his few odd jobs around the room while making pleasant conversation with the teacher before packing up and wishing her a good weekend.

Making his way through the crowd, Kiku grabbed his sweater from his locker and headed towards the front doors to meet his brother, Leon. He was right where Kiku expected him to be when he got there, casually leaned up against the doorframe alongside their (although mostly Leon's) friend Emil. Leon waved to him and said goodbye to Emil as they made their way down to the school's student parking lot. Kiku climbed in the passenger side seat, as Leon went drivers side, starting to recall his day- starting all the way from the morning.

As he listened to his brother talk, Kiku looked out the window as they drove, wondering if Leon knew he really preferred to drive in silence. The two eventually pulled into their driveway, practically bolting for the door. When he walked in, Kiku could already see his youngest brother Yong Soo in the living room, watching TV. The middle schoolers always got out earlier than then them, and honestly it seemed kind of unfair. His sister, Mei, was also home by the looks of it (as in, all of her things were dispersed across the entrance of the house).

Ignoring the mess, he stepped into the kitchen and quickly microwaved himself a cup of ramen before retreating upstairs to his bedroom. He set the noodles down on his bedside table and curled up in his bed, pulling his laptop closer to him. Kiku was prepared to do some more reading on whatever BMI was. Listening to Ms. Zwingli talk about it had made him even more curious.

The very first result at the top of the page was a small blurb about the acronym and its relation to weight. There was a small reference on how to calculate it was well. In a new tab kiku searched for a calculator to measure himself. He typed his height in the small box, but wasn't sure how much he weighed, as he didn't check very often. After a quick run to the bathroom scale he punched in his weight and waited for the numbers to load.

"BMI: 25.8: Overweight"

Kiku looked back at the screen, confused. Overweight? He was about the same size as everyone else, he wouldn't think that he'd be overweight. Refreshing the page, Kiku tried again, typing in the same numbers as before. Again, the screen projected those same words:

"Overweight".

Kiku felt the noodles he had been slurping on before cement in his stomach. If he was overweight, that meant he'd need to start going on a diet. And that also meant no unhealthy junk food either. As he was trying to figure out what he could do to start losing weight, Kiku was startled out of thought by Leon bursting through the door unannounced.

"I'm going to pick up Dad, be back soon, probably." Before he could say anything, his brother was already walking out, forgetting to shut the door behind him. Begrudgingly kiku stood up to do it. As he did, he pulled his phone out from his pocket and checked the time. It was late, and that meant that Dad would most likely be picking up pizza for them. Kiku mentally cursed; that was the exact opposite of what he wanted right now!

Sure enough, when he heard the front door open, the smell of grease and breadsticks wafted upstairs. He shut his laptop and headed downstairs to meet the rest of his family who were piled around the table, plates in hand. He almost reluctantly grabbed his own and snatched up one of the smaller slices from the box. The table was loud as everybody tried to talk at once, but Kiku had grown used to the noise. He couldn't imagine the house ever being quiet.

Eventually, the spotlight turned on him.

"Aren't you gonna have any more?" Mei questioned, looking down at Kiku's near-empty plate. His Dad gave him a curious look as well.

"I had ramen not too long ago, I was just going to have more when I was hungry," He replied, hoping that it deemed a good enough answer.

"Don't eat so late next time," his Dad chimed in, mouth full of crust, "Bring some for lunch if you're not going to eat it now," Kiku nodded and stood up, leaving his plate on the table. He immediately headed towards his room, wanting to figure out what his new diet plan was going to have to be.

Later that night, after a few hours of skimming through health sites and online magazine copies, he had finally wrote down everything he needed to do. First of all, he'd have to stop eating as much junk as he did. He made a mental note to write himself a grocery list for later that week. Secondly, he'd have to start exercising more. Since he didn't have any equipment, nor did he have a gym pass, he settled for walking the dogs, Pochi and Fuji at least twice a day. He smiled as he set the small sheet of paper aside. This would be no problem at all.

Kiku unpacked his lunch on his lap, shivering as the cold February air cut through his sweatshirt. He sat outside with his friends (when the weather permitted) during lunch, the five of them crowding around the school's front steps. He was currently trying to get roped into a conversation about a new movie remake by Alfred, who had started the now argument with Toris.

"Dude, is that all you're gonna eat?" Alfred questioned, eyeing his lunch. Kiki had tried to go reasonably small with a cold slice of leftover pizza, some apple slices, and a few whole peppers. It had seemed like enough when he was packing it this morning.

"I'll be fine," He replied, taking a large bite of the pizza. Alfred shrugged, and went back to chattering.

"You can always have something of mine, if you want!" The cheery voice of Feliciano called out. Him and his brother- _twin_ brother- Lovino, had been in the middle of trying to hastily scribble down work for their next class while passing a bag of chips between them.

"No thanks Feli," Kiku said with a polite smile.

"Good," Lovino said, grabbing the bag from his brother, "More for me."

At the end of lunch they followed the other small groups of students who ate outside back into the cafeteria where they split up to head off to their own classes. Alfred had tried to convince him to come to class with him instead of going to his study hall ("It's not like you even _do_ anything in there!), but Kiku denied and headed up to the third floor.

It wasn't even halfway through the period when Kiku started to wish he'd taken Feliciano up on his offer. His stomach growled loudly, distracting him from his book and causing him to squirm in his desk in a mix of discomfort and embarrassment. He'd forgotten how active he was during school, even without going out to walk the dogs. ' _It's only this and health'_ he reminded himself, trying to break the spell of reading the same line over and over.

For Kiku, seventh period couldn't possibly go any slower. Ms. Zwingli was talking about something he had already learned last year, and the growling in his stomach had turned to dull pains that pulled him out of focus. When the bell rang he bolted out almost faster than the freshmen, giving a rushed "Sorry-Goodbye" to Ms. Zwingli.

He met Leon by the doors as always, walking down to the parking lot with him as they did every day. His brother had raised an eyebrow when he saw Kiku tearing down the hallway towards him (Maybe not tearing, but walking faster than usual), but he didn't say anything about it. They walked down to the parking lot as usual, Kiku only hoping that the grumbling of his stomach wasn't loud enough for Leon to hear.

Leon must've picked up that something was wrong, as he didn't talk as much as he usually did. Kiku inwardly cursed this fact, as this would've been the perfect day to distract himself with his brother's daily gossip. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, Kiku pushed past the dogs and bee-lined it to the kitchen. In the freezer was a half-empty bag of pizza rolls, which he pulled out and promptly dumped on a cookie sheet.

Kiku had wound himself into somewhat of a cycle. Smaller breakfast, smaller lunch, followed by huge snacks and dinners afterwards. A couple walks here and there in the week, and Kiku was feeling _great._

" _This is so much easier than I thought!"_ He cheerily thought to himself as he tried to round Fuji into the house.

Yong Soo happily ran up to him and began chattering excitedly ("Can I come with next time? Please?") and Kiku smiled as he made conversation with his younger brother. Lately, he'd felt so much happier, and Kiku was sure it had to do with this brand new diet. He looked at the calendar on his wall once he flopped down on his bed, and suddenly realized it had been almost a month.

He got back up and slid the scale he took from out of the bathroom from underneath his bed, taking off his workout clothes before stepping on. He watched the little red pointer jitter before settling on one of the numbers marked around the edge.

And he nearly fell over in shock.

Somehow he had _gained_ weight since the beginning of the month, and was heavier than ever. Kiku stepped off in disappointment, He'd been working so hard at trying to lose weight, how could he have possibly gained more?

Thinking it was a mistake, he got back on and tried again, watching as the red dial spun once again, to the same number. Kiku felt his happy spirits die down as he took a seat on the edge of his bed. Obviously, what he had been doing wasn't working; And that meant that Kiku now had to find a new plan for himself.

He grabbed his laptop from off of the desk in his room and went straight to Google, hoping to find better results than he did last time. He clicked through page after page, seeing the same things over and over again. He tried to rephrase his searches. Eventually, Kiku started to get tired of checking off everything he couldn't do. His hope for finding something that work- and work quickly- was getting weaker as he kept reading through a near identical copy of his previous diet.

Finally, he found a small forum for people who had just gotten off a seemingly popular fad-diet. The pictures he saw surprised him, people who had dropped 20, 30, even 40 or 50 pounds in just months. He could not, however, keep suspicion from rising. It seemed a little too good to be true, losing so much in so little time. It was called the 'ABC Diet', something he had never heard about before now. If the results were this good, why wasn't everybody doing it?

He typed the name into the search bar, and was met with thousands of results. The first link, a layout of exactly what to do. Kiku clicked it open, scanning the image of the daily 'guidelines', as the poster had called them. He saw abnormally low numbers listed in the columns, some days only marked with 'fast'. He scrunched his face in confusion.

Wasn't fasting harmful? It didn't seem healthy at all to him. Either way, Kiku still couldn't deny that it must work if so many people saw such results as he had read about. Another perk he noticed was that It only lasted for 50 days, just over a month and a half. The outcomes were definitely tempting, and in all honesty it seemed easy enough.

Despite the nagging voice in Kiku's mind, he copied the numbers and days down in a small notebook he kept handy. If he could endure this month and a half, the results he'd get would certainly be worth it. Besides, it couldn't go as bad as this past time…

Kiku was still saddened that he had actually gotten heavier in the last few weeks, but he was going to put that behind as a "trial attempt" and start straight away at this new plan. He sat in bed, computer still open and running, talking himself up until he became excited at the fact of starting the ABC diet. Of course, he still felt some unease at how low those numbers seemed on screen, but he pushed those thoughts to the very back of his mind and instead, fell asleep.

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Yay, first chapter is up! I kind of feel like this chapter reads a little rushed but the next one will go a little more in-depth into Kiku's daily life outside of just lunch and home ^^


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, guys! In this chapter, I changed the pacing and the timing of some of the major events so sorry if the two chapters kind of clash. Also, I started using Grammarly and some other sites so hopefully my writing turns out better now! Thank you to everybody who reviewed/favorited, it means a lot!

 **TW: Binge/Purging||None of these characters belong to me**

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The next morning, Kiku rolled out of bed just a few minutes before his alarm was supposed to go off. He tried to wake up earlier than anybody else so he'd be able to take as long as he wanted in the bathroom or kitchen without worrying about being rushed out. As with every morning, Kiku started by washing his face with icy water, the shock of the cold waking him up. Sure, he could just have some coffee, but Kiku was never really huge on caffeine. Gave him too many headaches. Once he had wiped the puddles that splashed around the edge of the sink, he ducked back into his room to grab his phone off of the nightstand where it had been charging.

Kiku had wanted to take some time before having to get ready to make a meal plan for himself; He knew it would be easier to do it in the morning rather than checking and calculating throughout the day. He really was determined to do this. Why make any plans if you never plan to follow through? It took him a good chunk of time to skim through not just the food in his fridge, but also for the school. Their web page wasn't helpful at all as he ended up having to search for almost everything individually.

"Are you making anything?" Somebody asked, their voice making Kiku jump in his chair. He looked up from his phone to see Mei walking sleepily into the kitchen, looking at him curiously.

"No, go ahead," he said before standing up and walking back to his bedroom. After he closed the door Kiku immediately checked the time, just now realizing how late in the morning it was. Ok, It wasn't really that late, although if Mei was awake that meant he only had twenty minutes to get out the door. It didn't take long for him to get dressed and shuffle through his bag to check for his books and papers. With still a few minutes to spare, he wondered if he should go back downstairs and grab breakfast.

He had lost a little bit of the weight he had put on, but he really didn't want to gain it all back. That was the exact opposite of what he was trying to accomplish. On the other hand, he didn't want to feel hungry all morning. In the end, he decided that skipping breakfast for a while was better than potentially putting on more. Besides, once he got himself to a good weight he wouldn't need to skip anything.

Leon was still asleep (Their dad would take care of that later), so Kiku had to run to the bus stop, just making it in time for it to pull up to the sidewalk. He climbed on out of breath and took a seat in the far back. He stared out the window the entire time, view blurry from the frost he wiped away. By the time the bus pulled up to the front of the school, Kiku had completely zoned out. It wasn't until he saw everybody else stand up that he grabbed his things and moved into the aisle.

The first few morning classes went fine, besides the fact he was still tired. It wasn't until his 4th-hour class that Kiku felt his stomach rumble with hunger. Although probably nobody heard it, he felt his cheeks go red and he held his backpack on his lap in hopes of muffling the sound. There were still a period and a half before he was supposed to go to lunch, so he figured he'd just have to ignore it until then.

By the time the bell rang signaling the last lunch of the day, Kiku's stomach physically hurt and he rushed out of the classroom, gaining a quick glance of confusion from the teacher. He was almost first in line and got his lunch (a simple sandwich and some graham crackers from the cart behind the hot food) before any of his friends, leaving him to sit outside and wait for them. By the time they sat down next to him he was crumpling up the plastic wrappers, nibbling on the last few bite of the cookie in his hand.

"Hey Keeks, you're early!" Alfred said as he jumped up the stairs and taking a seat on the concrete.

"Yeah, I was pretty hungry so I just came straight here," He replied, sliding the empty paper basket to the side. He'd already counted the calories in his meal, and he still had some room for snacks later. Plus, it was probably good that he ate so early; now no one could comment on how much food he brought to lunch. The group talked happily amongst themselves for the rest of the lunch break, leaving just as the bell was about to ring to dismiss them. Kiku waved to them as he scurried off in the opposite direction to his next class before he was counted late.

After that, the rest of the day went by smoothly. When Kiku got home he grabbed something from the cupboard and went upstairs to his room to watch TV and finish up the homework he had. When his dad came home and ordered food for them, he grabbed his dinner and excused himself back upstairs where he set the meal down on his desk and forgot about it for the rest of the night. He did the same thing until Friday- when something definitely not normal happened.

Yao had noticed that Kiku had been acting differently lately, more private than normal. He knew that he was always shyer and liked to keep to himself, but now he just acted downright secretive. It was strange that his behaviour seemed to change so quickly, but to his knowledge nothing was wrong. He'd asked Kiku about school when he got home from work, and it was always 'good' with sometimes some minor issues. Nothing really out of the ordinary.

Eventually, Yao told himself it just must've stress mixed with being a teenager. Kiku worked hard in school, and he got good grades, so he was sure that it was studying for tests and doing all of the work he got that was keeping him in his room all day. He still paid a little closer attention to him when he came downstairs, but he acted the same as always; Yao, deciding he was making a big deal out of nothing, stopped worrying about it. If Kiku had a problem, he would've told him by now, surely.

Upstairs, Kiku was glued to the screen of his computer, scrolling through various blogs he had found online. His dinner from that night, stir fry and dinner rolls, sat on his desk getting cold. He'd been stacking up the plates when he got them at night and tossing them in a garbage bag he kept under his bed in the morning. They were cold and usually gross the next day anyways, so they still would've gotten thrown away even if he put them back in the fridge. The hardest part was going to be sneaking the full bags downstairs for garbage day, but he was sure that he could find a way. Right now he just wanted to focus on his weight and finding something that worked.

He had been doing just fine with his intake, adding up the calories and eating in front of people so nobody would find him suspicious. Although he was still hungry throughout the day, he drank plenty of water to stay hydrated and it helped to fill him up too. He felt pretty good until Friday when the total intake had a sharp drop down. Instead of four or five hundred, he was only allowed 100. The morning started out bad already, his stomach growled loudly and he felt a craving for something sweet. Maybe waffles, doused in syrup and covered in melting butter- but he stopped himself from thinking about it and instead filled up his water bottle and downed it all in one go.

At lunch, it wasn't any better. Kiku had barely made it through his morning classes without excusing himself to 'go to the bathroom' (when in reality, he would've made a beeline for the school vending machines), and his friends questioned his lack of food. He told them he was out of money but 'don't worry, me and Leon are gonna get food after school'. They didn't say anything after that except for Feliciano who offered him some of his pasta salad, to which Kiku politely declined. After school had ended he climbed in the car with Leon who told him he was going to Emil's house, and he's just dropped Kiku off at home.

When he walked in through the front door it was surprisingly quiet; Kiku's dogs still ran up, tails wagging and sharp barks ringing through the house. He gave them a few pets before leaving his things by the door and walking through the house. It was one of those rare occasions where he was home alone. There was a note taped to the front of his door saying that Mei and Yong Soo were going to be home late, so he and Leon were supposed to clean up the house (Did he leave just so he didn't have to do anything?). Sighing, he looked at what had to be done and started to head downstairs to get it over with. He was so tired from the day, and all Kiku really wanted to do was lie down and take a long nap until his dad came home.

When he got to the kitchen to sweep, Kiku looked at the fridge and felt a dull throb in his stomach. He was incredibly hungry but he wanted to save the few calories he could eat until later tonight. A bright yellow bag of chips was leaning up against the toaster, still unopened. His stomach throbbed again and without thinking he grabbed the bag and ripped into it. The salt felt amazing on his tongue and he ate so fast he ignored the sharp chips that stabbed him in the gums or pressed all the way down his throat. When it was empty, he tossed it in the trash and went to the cupboard next.

A box of Poptarts, microwave popcorn, trail mix, he ate them all, barely able to breathe in between bites. When he finished it all he sat terrified in the middle of the kitchen, looking at the empty silver wrappers littering the counter. He'd never done that before, and not only did he just eat almost all of the snacks in the house, but he'd gone grossly above 100 calories. Well over 1,000 actually. He didn't know what to do, he now felt painfully full, the food sitting in the bottom of his stomach and weighing him down. Somewhere in the back of the mind, something told him "Get rid of it".

How was he supposed to do that? He'd already eaten all the food, so it's not like he could just put it back and act like he never touched anything. The only thing he knew would work was to vomit before anything could be digested, but how was he going to do that? He didn't want to force himself, that was just… gross. But at the same time was there any other way? He didn't want to gain back all the pounds he'd worked to lose, and all that junk would make him gain for sure.

Kiku ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, just in case anybody walked in. He already felt sick, so it shouldn't be that hard. As he kneeled down in front of the toilet, he felt nervous. A part of him was saying that he wasn't being forced to do this, he could just stand up and go lie down and everything would be fine. The other part of him was screaming that he had to unless he was fine with gaining the weight back and starting from the beginning. As much as he didn't want to do it, Kiku wasn't about to undo all the progress he had made.

Quickly, he plunged two of his fingers down into his throat, immediately gagging as they hit the back of his tongue. He coughed a few times before trying again only to gag loudly and feel his eyes water from choking. Over and over he kept trying until he felt bile rise up and his stomach churn. He gagged once more before the food he'd eaten rushed back up and landed inside the bowl. He kept retching and choking until nothing came up when he made himself gag. Shakily, he stood up and flushed the toilet before washing his hands. His throat burned from throwing up and he felt dizzy as he turned towards the sink.

Before he went to wipe his face, he glanced at himself in the bathroom mirror. His face was red and puffy, tears and saliva dripping down his chin. He looked like a mess and felt even worse. Kiku washed his face with cold water and went back downstairs to clean up the mess he'd left.

As bad as he felt, he had to admit he did feel better in a way; That weight that had been there before was gone, and he felt so much better and lighter than before. Not long after he threw everything away, did the front door swing open. Leon was back home, tossing the keys to the car on the couch.

"You already finish, like cleaning up all that stuff or whatever?" He asked, looking at Kiku.

"Y-yeah," he replied, cursing the words that got caught in his throat, "You should do it next time, to be fair".

"Are you okay?" questioned Leon, looking at his brother. He seemed pretty jumpy, as he was used to Kiku being calm almost all of the time.

"I'm fine, I just didn't expect you to walk in,"

"Alright," Leon said shrugging, plopping down onto the couch and switching on the TV.

Kiku was mildly annoyed that he didn't apologize for skipping out on helping him clean, but he didn't say anything else and instead grabbed his bag from the floor and retreated back up to his bedroom. His throat still burned painfully when he swallowed, and cool water didn't seem to help. He opened the cover of his laptop and opened an incognito browser tab. He wasn't entirely sure what he meant to type but finally, he put 'throat burns after forced to vomit' and hit enter.

Instantly there were phone numbers at the top for eating disorder hotlines and the suicide prevention hotline. He ignored them and kept on scrolling until he saw a header that caught his eye. "How to help a sore throat after a purge?" it read, obviously a forum post. He clicked it and was directed to a page called OAA, a website dedicated to forums and boards about eating disorders. Kiku read through the posts, some people suggesting eating ice, others saying tea (and honey, but only if you had a really bad sore throat). He ran downstairs and filled a cup with ice before laying back down and crunching on an ice cube before hitting 'home'.

Even after his dad came home and gave him a plate of food, he was still browsing around. There had been mostly young girls, many still teenagers talking about their diets and weights, encouraging others to get better and recover while some complained about trips to the hospital and how they went over their allowances. There didn't seem to be any rules (well, besides some obvious ones such as spamming and harassing), you could talk about whatever you wanted to. What really got his attention were the photos they posted.

Some of the girls he saw looked great to him, making him secretly envy their bodies and how good they looked, while others shocked him. Pictures where you could see the bones poking through the skin and torsos so thin they caved back in. Somehow even those looked good, and as much as he wanted to be horrified by how skinny they were he still wanted to be like that; To be able to show off his bones and brag about how small he was. He knew that it was bad, that he shouldn't want to look like them- but he did.

Most of them had their weights in their signatures, 100, 98, 110, and other impossibly small numbers to match impossibly small bodies. He was no longer satisfied by being normal, he wanted to be better than average. He was always average- grades, looks, daily routine, he wanted to be more than normal in some way. And he could do this. He needed to lose weight anyway because even if he wasn't technically overweight anymore, he was still on the heavy end of healthy. Kiku decided then to move his goal weight farther back. He would stop when he was at a good weight, and he wouldn't have to worry about going back and forth between overweight and normal. Though he did want to deep down, he told himself he wouldn't starve himself down to a skeleton, like so many of the people from the boards did.

Once he hit that goal, he'd be able to eat whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and he wouldn't need to worry about any of this diet stuff anymore. Still feeling drained, Kiku shut his computer and set it down so he could change and go to sleep for the night. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was passed out for the night, forgetting to do what he was supposed to work on when he got home, as well as setting his alarm for the next day.

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Kiku's friends will play a bigger role in the next few chapters, and Emil will be really important later on ^^ Thank you all for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, I'm back! Sorry if the format looks a little bit off, I'm trying out a new writing program and I'm still getting used to it ^^" This chapter is kind of filler, but it sets up some really important stuff! Otherwise, enjoy!

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"You're late," Yao said before Kiku could even look at his clock. Kiku jumped out of bed and headed over to his closet before he was interrupted once again.

"I can't drop you off, or I'd be late too. Just get your brother to bring your homework, I'll have a list of chores written out for you later." And with that Yao left, not long after heading out and locking the front door behind him. Kiku got dressed anyways; It just didn't feel right to be his pyjamas all day long. He took a seat on the edge of his bed, looking at the time once again. It was rare he ever missed a day of school and he didn't know what he was going to do today. He was surprised nobody bothered to wake him up, but he passed it off.

Grabbing his phone and putting it in his pocket, he started to walk around the house, poking his head into different rooms until he made his way downstairs to the living room. He finally settled on turning on the TV and flicking through the channels before deciding there was nothing interesting on and instead laid down and closed his eyes; The sound of the show filled in the silence, and he felt himself drift off as the words started to mesh together.

He woke up sometime later, yawning as he sat back up. Kiku noticed the missed call banners on his phone's home screen, but he chose to ignore it for the moment and instead head to the bathroom for a cold shower to wake him up. As he got undressed he felt his stomach growl loudly, churning painfully. He cringed but continued to throw his clothes on top of the hamper and turn on the water. The cold stream felt good on his skin and Kiku could tell he was starting to feel better. With nobody to hurry him, he took his time, closing his eyes and letting the water run down his face.

He was shivering when he finally stepped out, drying himself off quickly so he could get back into his clothes. Kiku curled up in the same place in the living room and called his dad back. He answered the second time, scolding him for ignoring his messages (and once again for falling back asleep). He'd have to cut the grass and do the laundry today, but that didn't bother him. Still cold, Kiku went to get the lawnmower from the garage, hoping that walking in the sun would warm him up.

It didn't take long for him to finish and put the mower away. The warmth from outside made him feel a lot better, and he felt a lot more motivated than before. Walking inside, he noticed his nose was still runny from before, so he shoved a kleenex in his pocket and moved on to laundry. Once again he felt his stomach churn but he told himself he could wait until he was done with the cleaning. It felt awkward to be digging through his family's clothes but he finished up as fast as possible and stood in front of the dryer, folding everything into neat piles.

Kiku walked back upstairs and drifted into the kitchen, staring at the fridge. He felt like he couldn't trust himself to be in here, rubbing his wrist nervously. Pochi padded into the room behind him, nails clicking on the floor. Kiku had an idea.

"Fuji!" He called out, listening to the jingle of collar tags as his stubborn dog ran up to him. "Wanna go out? Get your leash?" He cooed at the dogs, grabbing their leashes from the door as they happily bounced and yipped at his legs. The two dogs pulled Kiku behind them, running and straining against the leash. Kiku still felt ill but he smiled watching his pets running down the street together. He drew the walk out as long as possible, wandering down random streets until he circled back home. Both Pochi and Fuji were worn out when they walked in through the front door, trotting over to the large dog bed beside the couch and curling up together.

To Kiku's dismay, it was only 2 in the afternoon, and he had been avoiding eating lunch all morning. He figured if he kept himself busy he could ignore the hunger pains until dinner- something he'd cook. That way he'd know exactly what he was doing. The dogs sleepily watched as their owner paced back and forth throughout the house, bringing out garbage bags, bringing in sponges, in and out. They ran away into the other room when Kiku started to vacuum, sweat beading his forehead. When he was done he heard the front door slam shut.

Kiku turned around to see Leon, backpack slung over his shoulder walking in before stopping to look around the house.

"Man," he started, "Dad really worked you today,"

"Y-yeah, but it wasn't so bad," Kiku replied, wrapping the cord around the hook before shoving the whole thing back into the closet. Leon shrugged and ran up to his room, dropping his bag on the stairs. "Laundry downstairs!" He called after his brother, but he was sure he didn't hear. Kiku pulled out the Kleenex from earlier, sneezing from all the dust. Not long after the rest of the family came home, doing their own things. When their dad got home Kiku started Stir-Fry, taking his time making everything just right. At dinner, his dad complimented the food and how nice the house looked, his siblings agreeing.

Kiku smiled softly as he stirred his food around the plate, occasionally taking a bite. His dad told him not to worry about dishes tonight, so he took the work that Leon had forgotten to give him earlier up to his room. Today had been a good day. He did his work, he cleaned the house, he controlled himself during dinner that night, and his family had been impressed with his efforts. He made sure to set his alarm and set it at the right time so he wouldn't be late again. It was easy for him to fall asleep, the fatigue starting to hit him as he closed his eyes.

Kiku woke up early, earlier than his alarm with a throbbing headache. His throat felt sore and his nose was starting to run. An awful churning feeling in his stomach had him doubled over on the bed, taking deep breaths. He tried to stand up and get a glass of water from the kitchen, but a wave of nausea hit him and he instead ran to the bathroom.

He kneeled in front of the toilet, arms crossed over his stomach as he focused on keeping the little food in his stomach down. He didn't even bother flicking on the light switch, the dark sky offering almost no light. When he thought he was okay, Kiku tried standing up once more. That was a mistake. Nausea returned except this time he wasn't prepared, and he felt the bile rise up in his throat.

On the other side of the door, his father had woken up after hearing somebody running through the house. He leaned on the door frame worried, listening to the choking from inside. When it was silent again, he knocked softly.

"You okay in there?" He asked, waiting for a response.

Kiku came to the door, opening it just slightly. "I'm fine," he said, voice gravelly. He must've gotten sick from the cold shower; no wonder why he was shivering and sneezing yesterday. He let his dad walk with him back to his room, turning on the lights as they walked in. He was told to lay back down and have some tea, he'd be staying home again today.

He nodded as his father turned around to boil water, slowly blinking his eyes. Kiku hated staying home, it just felt wrong to him. He was lost in his own thoughts until Yao walked back in, a mug in his hands. As Yao handed the cup, he felt how cold Kiku's hands were compared to his.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked with a concerned look. Kiku had definitely been acting more closed off; he hoped he wasn't making himself sick with stress. Yao had done the same before at work, and it put such a huge strain on him. When Kiku scrunched his eyebrows together he explained.

"You look pale, and your hands are freezing," he told him. Kiku's eyes flicked away.

"I haven't been feeling well this week, hopefully, some medicine will help," Kiku said. He took a long sip of tea before his father could say anything else. He was told to stay in bed and drink lots of liquid, flu tablets were in the cupboard downstairs. Nodding, Kiku curled up with his phone, too uncomfortable to fall back asleep. He had been spending more and more time on that site, reading post after post. He knew he was pale and cold from the lack of nutrients, but he didn't feel it until he was next to someone else.

Nobody cared anymore when he'd skip lunch or turn down snacks, besides Feli who was always disappointed he wouldn't take any of his food. They just assumed he wasn't hungry. Kiku could feel himself getting lighter, his clothes getting bigger on him. He hid it well with belts and the oversized hoodies he already wore. He knew he lost all the weight that he's wanted but every time he stopped it seemed like he immediately gained it all back. Leon stopped into his room and told him he'd get his work. Mei told him goodbye and hope he feels better, she's sweet. When everybody was out of the house Kiku allowed himself to fully relax. He was going to try to let himself rest today; he had been feeling fatigued for a few weeks now, another side effect of malnutrition.

At school, Leon was ranting to his close friend, Emil Oxenstierna. "He's lucky," he complained, "he gets to stay home two days in a row, prolly more." Emil shrugged. "So what? He's got a cold let him rest. Besides, it's two days he has to make up anyways," Leon just huffed.

"He looks like he's been sick forever, Dad keeps giving him free passes," He added, hoping Emil would feel some sort of sorry for him. "All I get is in trouble for that."

"What do you mean?"

"He's always pale and cooped up in his room. Plus he always carries tea and a shawl around the house. Where did he even get a shawl?" Leon continues on for a few more minutes about his 'unfair treatment' while Emil stares down at the floor, thinking. He taps his friend on the shoulder, stopping him mid-sentence.

"Hasn't he been like, losing a lot of weight?" He asked, catching Leon off guard.

"Kind of, practically all he does is sleep and study," Leon explained, "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know," Emil said with a softer tone. He shrugged. "I guess he just kinda sounds like how Lukas was-" Leon cut him off.

"I know my brother, he's a perfectionist like my dad. It's stress-work. He'll sit down and panic about every little detail until eventually he gets sick and takes a break. He really is fine." After this, Emil went tense and mumbled something under his breath, Leon only hearing "...my brother too…" before his friend gave a short wave goodbye and rushed up the stairs with a group of students. Leon felt bad knowing that was probably the wrong thing to say, but Emil had already left, meaning he'd have to wait until later to apologize.

At home, Kiku sat up in bed with his computer in his lap and Fuji curled up asleep at the end of the bed. His eyes were fixated on the screen, scrolling through post after post as he had been doing recently. He had logged in to his school's page earlier, hoping to get some work done, but he quickly got distracted and left it sitting open with nothing done yet. The roof of his mouth stung from the boiling hot tea he had drunk a few minutes ago in hopes of warming himself up.

Even wrapped in blankets and a sweater he still had the chills, goosebumps rising on his arms and legs. He wanted to walk out to the kitchen and grab something small, but he couldn't get himself to leave the bed. Slowly, as to not disturb his pet, Kiku hurried out of his room and downstairs into the kitchen. He threw open the fridge doors and grabbed the first thing he saw- a small yoghurt cup sitting on one of the shelves. Grabbing a spoon he headed back to his bedroom, feeling the cold of the plastic in his hands.

Kiku sat back down and tore open the foil lid, taking a huge spoonful. When he tried to swallow, his mouth burned despite the cold of the food and he cringed as it went down his throat. He forced the rest down anyways and opened up his phone. He noticed that unless he repeated it over and over throughout the day, he didn't always remember how much he ate during school. Instead, he got a fitness app from the store and had been logging in every day. He figured that as long as nobody looked through it, it would be safe enough. Luckily, he didn't have very nosy friends or family, save for maybe his younger brother.

He'd have to back to school eventually, but it actually felt nice staying home once he let himself relax. Another day or two wouldn't really hurt, would it? When his father was back home, he pulled out the homework Mei had brought up to him and pretended not to notice him walking in. "Good to see you're not falling behind," Yao noted. Kiku looked up and silently nodded. "Feeling better?"

"Somewhat," Kiku answered, trying to get as gravelly of a voice as possible. "My throat still hurts though, and my stomach," he added. His father gave him a look but grabbed the cup from off his bedside table. "I'll let you stay one more day but you're going back," his father told him with a glance. Before Kiku could say anything he shut the bedroom door behind him. Kiku sat there awkwardly, looking down at his papers. That was the first time he had ever lied to someone's face, on top of trying to get out of school. Normally, he would rush to finish up his work but today he felt so...exhausted.

He tossed the papers on the floor near his bed and lied back down in bed. All he wanted to do was sleep through the next day. When Leon came in to bring him the takeout they had ordered that night, he found his brother already passed out, asleep. Leon set the plate down on his desk in case he woke up later, then noticed the papers scattered on the floor. He picked them up and read through them, noticing that barely anything was written on them. Suddenly he felt bad for complaining, especially knowing that his classes were much, much easier than his brothers. He set them back down on the ground and left, making sure to leave the door cracked just a little bit.

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Thank you all for reading and the support you've given for this story! It means a lot ^w^


	4. Chapter 4

**Happy late New Year to everyone! Finally got this chapter written and edited. Since more characters are gonna start getting involved, this chapter's a little dialogue heavy. Hope you guys enjoy!**

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Kiku walked in through the front doors of the school with the rest of the crowd, finally having to return back to his normal days. He was greeted at his locker by a flustered Feliciano who told him how he "got so worried when you didn't show up at all!". As nice as the break was, Kiku was glad to be back to his normal schedule. School gave him something to keep busy with. There was always work he could do or tests to study for. It was a good way to forget about the empty feeling in his stomach and even better if it meant he'd get a boost in grades.

He dismissed himself from Feliciano as he saw Lovino walk out of the cafeteria with a paper tray full of vending machine snacks, and instead went to hand in some of his homework before class. When he got to the health room, he saw Lili typing away at her desk. When she noticed Kiku in the room, she smiled and stood up to greet him.

"Feeling better I hope? It's been strange not having you here in the classroom," she told him.

"I've been doing much better, thank you," Kiku told her, slinging his bag off of his shoulder. "I brought in the last of my worksheets as well."

"You didn't have to that!" Lili replied, setting the papers down in the small wire basket on the corner of her desk. "If you ever need to turn in something late, you know you'll still get full credit right?" She glanced over at the whiteboard for a second. "You guys do know that right? Should I put it up?"

Kiku smiled. "No, I do, it was no problem at all." The two chatted for a few more minutes before the bell rang and Kiku dismissed himself off to his first class of the day. Lili waved as he walked out the door, getting back to her work. All of his classes went by smoothly, and before he knew it, it was his lunch period.

Everybody was planning to get something from the fast-food place across the street from their school but Kiku politely declined their offer.

"Thank you, Alfred, but I'm not a fan of fast food."

"C'mon Keeks! I know you're all into health and stuff but can't you eat a burger or anything? It's not like you'll die if you eat anything with grease on it!" Alfred whined, trying to pull him along with the rest of the group.

"Alfred please, let's just go" Toris chimed in, pulling the freshman away. "If he doesn't want to go, don't make him. Plus, you're not even supposed to be going off school grounds until your junior year!"

"Whatever, everyone else leaves!" Kiku watched as they walked off together to go meet the Vargas twins outside (No, Kiku was definitely not ignoring Feliciano waving through the window in order to avoid a conversation). He grabbed an energy drink from the nearby vending machine and found an empty spot on the stairs nearby. He pulled out his book and was just about to flip it open to his last page when someone plopped down next to him.

Kiku, really just wanting to read in peace (but not wanting to be seen as rude) casually slipped in his earbuds and started flipping through the pages to his bookmark. He didn't want to talk, and he was sure he didn't want to talk to a total stranger. Unfortunately, luck didn't seem to be on his side. He felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he looked over he was surprised to see Emil staring back at him.

"Um, yes?" He asked, wondering if this even was Emil's lunch period.

"I just wanted to say you should probably talk to your brother or something. He's been talking about you a lot and It's getting annoying."

"O-okay?" Kiku stammered, surprised by his bluntness. Emil nodded without a word and stood up, flashing a quick peace sign before heading upstairs an around the corner. Kiku sat there on the stairs, confused as to what just happened. He guessed he'd talk to Leon later since he was pretty sure Emil wasn't talking to any of his other brothers.

At the end of the day, Kiku was finally able to catch up on his reading during his TA hours in Lili's health class. All she had planned were a few short videos and a writing assignment, leaving him to do what he wanted. As the rest of the class was half-paying attention to the clip on screen, he saw Lili handing him back a few marked papers.

"I got them done on my lunch break since there wasn't much to grade," she explained, "Great job. Just be sure you don't push yourself, I noticed you still look a little unwell."

Kiku thanked her and shoved the papers down into his backpack. He hoped that it was just his cold that was still making him look sick. The final bell rang sounding the end of the day, and he filed out with the rest of health students being as Lili didn't need any help cleaning today. He met up with Leon near the doors as usual and the two headed out to the parking lot. Once they were in the car, Kiku turned towards his brother.

"Emil told me earlier you've been talking about me or something? Is everything okay?" Leon froze for a moment. 'Dammit Emil, he thought to himself. He didn't want to tell him that he was complaining about him. On the other hand, he was an awful liar. What could he say that was still kind of the truth?

"Well, I uh," he stammered, trying to find the right words. "I noticed that you've been like, working really hard and stuff and getting super stressed out so Emil was kinda getting worried cause you got sick and y'know... looked sick." Oh, my God. It sounded like he was trying to show he was lying.

"Oh well, I guess I have been a little stressed out but it was all just bad timing. Tell him there's no need to be worried." Leon sighed a little bit and let his shoulders fall. "Yeah, sure, no problem." The two didn't talk much the rest of the way home, which was fine by the both of them. Kiku was able to convince his dad to eat in his bedroom, saying that he still had some notes to catch up on reading. When he got upstairs, he promptly threw the food into his garbage bin. He had started doing a thing where he put two bags in the can, one on top of the other. He'd dump his food in the bottom one and take them out at the same time so nobody would know that he was dumping out his plates.

The next day at lunch, Kiku was once again being pestered by Alfred about the lack of fast food in his diet.

"Not even once? Like on special days?"

"Thursday is not a special day, Alfred," Kiku replied.

"Okay, but what about on trips and stuff?" Kiku was starting to get annoyed with him now.

"Yes, fine. On trips, I don't mind it."

"Great! So let's go on a trip across the street!" Alfred beamed, finding his own joke incredibly funny. Once again, Toris tried to take his mind off of lunch.

"What?" Alfred asked, feeling Toris' hand on his shoulder. "I'm just sayin', I never see him anything here, and I know he's too busy for breakfast at home, and he never goes with us. Do you even eat at all?" This obviously struck a wrong chord with Kiku.

"Of course I do! Just because it's not garbage all the time doesn't mean I'm starving!" He snapped. Alfred and Toris stopped and stared at him and the twins stopped their conversation. He could feel the eyes of the group a few feet away glance over at him as well.

"Wow," Lovino said, breaking the silence, "I think that's honestly the first time I've someone make you mad." Kiku grabbed his bag from the ground and walked inside, getting a strange look from the teacher who had been standing near the door.

"Shit, I didn't mean to make him mad or anything..." Alfred said, visibly looking upset.

"It's okay Al! I'm sure Kiku was just having a bad day!" Feliciano chimed in, trying to make the boy feel better. Lovino looked back over at the door, biting his lip slightly. Sure, Alfred had been being annoying, but his friend's reaction seemed so out of character for him. He hoped it was just a bad mood, but he paid close attention in his Psych class and he'd gotten the feeling something was off since Kiku came back. Lovino didn't know anything for sure, but the yelling didn't help his suspicions that something was bothering his friend.

Meanwhile, Kiku had headed up to class early and was sitting in the back of the empty room. He heard someone enter the classroom, and curious, he peeked over the edge of his book. Emil tossed a paper to the teacher and started to turn out of the room before meeting eyes with him. "I talked to Leon, I'm doing fine. Thanks for wondering about me." Emil furrowed his brows, but nodded and waved goodbye before leaving.

Although Kiku thought that was a little bit strange, he decided to just not mention it and instead turned his attention back to his book until the period ended.

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 **Thank you guys for reading and for all the support this fic is getting! The next chapter will be focusing more on Yao and what he's thinking, so we'll finally get to see some of his story**


	5. Chapter 5

**Finally have a new chapter up and another in progress! I had to re-write this 5 times because my computer kept crashing and my program's emergency cache is always just blank pages :/ I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and thank you all so much for reading!**

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Yao looked out the window of the crowded bus, watching the buildings pass by in a blur. It wasn't often that he got the day off, but luckily for him today was one of those rare days he could go home early. He had lots of ideas of what to do when he got home. The past couple of months he'd been neglecting his hobbies and Yao was excited to finally have time to work on them.

The other day he'd stopped by the grocery store, so he had planned dinner out for the night. Cooking was his passion, and he even worked in a restaurant as a young adult for a while. He still made things here and there, but not much anymore. Yao was sure Kiku would appreciate him making dinner tonight. The boy had been cooking and cleaning almost daily for the family, though he had been volunteering.

For the past few weeks, Yao had noticed something...off with Kiku. He was always locked up in his room now, only going out to walk the dogs or clean up. Then he was right back inside to study or work. Yao at first didn't mind, he was thankful for his work, but now he could see the stress on his sons face. He had been debating on whether or not to give him a break, but ultimately he decided Kiku was smart enough to stop himself if he was exhausted.

When he got home, Leon was scrolling through his phone on the couch, surprised to see his dad home so early. Cheerfully, Yao explained he got the day off and headed straight to the kitchen. Not too long after he got all the food out the front door opened and Mei walked inside tailed by Im Yong. They dumped their things on the floor and buzzed around Yao, questioning what he was doing. After they left, Yao kept waiting to see Kiku come downstairs and tidy up after his siblings like he normally did. When he didn't come down, he started to get a little concerned.

"Leon, where's your brother?" Without looking up, he answered.

"Kiku? Out with his friend." Yao frowned. He hadn't asked if he could out with friends beforehand as usual. He hoped he wasn't planning on staying there all night. It wasn't until he was putting plates down on the table did he come home.

"There you are!" Called Yao. Kiku looked up at him as he slid his shoes off, giving him a confused look. "Why didn't you tell me you were going out?"

"I asked Leon to tell you I was staying after to help Feliciano study," he replied, "I'm sorry." Yao gave a sideglance over to Leon before turning back to Kiku. He was already eyeing the food on the table, stopped in the middle of the room. "I have to put this stuff away," he said quickly, hurrying to the stairs.

"Be down soon!" Yao called after him, walking over to Leon. Upstairs, Kiku had tossed his back on the floor and was sitting on the floor, back against the door. He wished he'd known his father was making dinner- then he could've lied and said the two went out for a snack. Or that he ate at Feli's house. Maybe he could just grab a plate and bring it upstairs with him?

He'd been doing that a lot recently. Enough that he started keeping a garbage bag tucked behind the art supplies under his bed. Kiku made sure to tie it up so you couldn't smell the rotting food, and would dump his plates in bit by bit as he worked or browsed the internet. He felt guilty wasting so much food, but there wasn't much else he could to do get rid of it. Now he was constantly walking the dogs since they'd started to get chubby from all the handouts he gave them.

Deciding it was worth a shot, Kiku went downstairs ready to grab his food and go. Before he could leave the kitchen, his father called back to the table where everyone else was sitting. "I'm sorry, I have to study for my anatomy test- I haven't been doing too well in the review."

"Bullsh- Ow!" Leon yelped as Yao gave him a slap on the arm. He pulled away and started over. "Whatever, you've been doing fine." Mei swallowed her food and agreed.

"I never see you!" She whined, patting the empty chair next to her. Kiku mentally sighed, but smiled and took a seat next to his younger sister. He kept darting back and forth between his own plate and the rest of his family's. He made sure to eat slowly and take long sips of his water every few bites. Most of his chicken was pushed to the side in favour of the least-sauce covered vegetables. He tried to guess how much was on the plate and added up every bite of broccoli as he ate.

Yao noticed this from across the table and watched as he dug through his food. He noticed that as he ate in his room more and more he was also losing weight. Kiku usually kept his hoodie on in the house, though that wasn't unusual for him. It did make it much harder for Yao to gauge how much he'd lost exactly. While almost everyone-including himself was finished, Kiku was just over halfway yet he'd gone through almost two glasses of water in one sitting. Kiku was happily chatting with his siblings though he seemed less enthusiastic than normal.

He decided he should confront him after dinner, and make sure he was doing okay. Before Kiku left, Yao asked him to come upstairs to his bedroom first. They stood in the middle of the room and Yao realized he didn't have any excuse. Not wanting to be so obvious about his questioning, he looked around the room before noticing a book that had been pushed under his bed. "My back's been hurting, I need you to grab that book for me," Yao said.

Kiku crouched down on the floor, reaching under the frame for it. "How was dinner? You didn't eat much" Yao asked, trying to make it sound like he was worried about the quality. Kiku handed him the book and smiled.

"It was good," he replied, "I've just been eating more snacks throughout the day. I was bored of the school's lunches, I hope that's okay." Yao was relieved. Before he let Kiku leave he asked him one more thing.

"You aren't doing good on Anatomy?"

"It's not such a big deal like Leon said. I've just been getting stuck on some study questions."

Yao nodded. "Get those done," he said, before ushering Kiku out of his room. So, he had just been overreacting. That was good, though he felt a bit silly for worrying so much. He'd never had a reason not to trust Kiku, he was polite and studious. He sat down on his bed and decided to actually read the book that had been on the floor. He was sure that Kiku would finish what he needed to and be back to normal in no time.

In the other room, Kiku was chatting with Alfred online. He had felt bad about blowing up at his friend before (even though he hadn't been all that angry) and explained he'd just had a bad day. Since then Alfred was always checking up on him to see if he was better. While Kiku appreciated his friend's concern, it sometimes annoyed him. Alfred liked to act as people's personal hero, and it often meant he pried into people's affairs.

When he had thoroughly convinced Al that today had been fine, he logged off and opened a private tab. Immediately he typed in the same address as always and took to the recipe forum. When he dumped his dishes in the sink he took a glance at the bottle of soy sauce on the counter and memorized the calories on the label. He posted the food he'd eaten on a new thread, hoping someone could guess the calories for him and his log. A few minutes later he saw a notification pop up on his profile.

"I don't know for sure, depending on how the chicken was cooked maybe like 1,000 cals?"

A pit sunk in his stomach. Paired with the food from the vending machine at school that was close to 1,500. Far above his usual daily limit. He waited for someone else to post. Maybe the first person was just wrong? A little while longer and there was a bright red 2 next to his picture.

"^ Probably. Definitely more if it was cooked in oil"

"It's too hard to tell but I'd guess more than that."

Kiku started to panic. He knew his father's cooking style and the meat had to have been pan-cooked in oil. He was sure the vegetables had oil on them too. His stomach felt tight and heavy, so much so it was uncomfortable to move. A wave of nausea hit him though he wasn't sure if it was the food or the anxiety that was causing it. He'd done so well recently and he was starting to see results.

Just recently he'd gotten down to the middle of average. Now he was sure it was all going to go back and he'd start back over again. The sensible side of him kicked in. "That's impossible," he told himself, taking a deep breath, "I just have to work extra hard tomorrow and make sure it doesn't happen again." He knew there'd be time before his younger siblings got home and Leon had told him to take the bus tomorrow since he was going to Emil's.

Kiku shut his laptop and put it on his desk before crawling into bed, fully clothed. He wrapped the blankets around his shoulders and tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. Finally, he gave up, scrolling through his phone until he got too tired to keep his eyes open anymore.

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Chapter 6. is in progress and we'll get to see some more of Emil and his family!


	6. Chapter 6

Not much to say so hope you guys enjoy!

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With one arm shakily holding to the railing and the other clutching his chest, Kiku hovered above the toilet, desperate for nausea and pain to pass. He had been so tired this morning he gave in to his need for caffeine and purchased an energy drink from the school vending machine. He'd figured it would be easy to resume his fast considering it was so low calorie for such an unhealthy drink. As he chugged the first half, the indulgent taste of sugar was quickly replaced with a sudden, sharp pain in his throat.

Kiku nearly choked as he rushed to the closest bathroom. The pain shot down to his chest and grew into a twisted knot in his stomach. The ache of hunger grew deeper as the little liquid he'd drank threatened to come back up. He was terrified of what was happening, black spots covering the safe retreat of bathroom stalls as he rounded the corner into the empty bathroom. All he had to do was stay standing.

Minutes passed and soon everything settled into a single dull ache. Slowly, he sat down and rested his head on the stall wall. He flinched at the sound of the bell but he didn't make an effort to stand up. It was better not to risk it. The silence didn't last long and scornful thoughts crept back into his mind.

Had he continued walking, he would be sitting in class right now. Why had he been looking at the vending machine- packed with sugary sodas and fattening snacks- in the first place? Why, why, why had he even let the idea of breaking his fast cross his mind? The thoughts mocked him relentlessly and Kiku had no answer to their questions other than he hadn't been trying. It would have been so easy to turn away, to focus on the tile as he walked by and continue on his way to class.

A small, almost inaudible part of his mind was saying it hadn't been his fault but those thoughts were quickly drowned out by everything else. He had to take responsibility for himself, for his own actions. Kiku knew he would have to leave the stall eventually, but the idea of going to class now made him sick all over again. All he wanted right now was a quiet, comfortable place to sit and he knew wherever that was, it wasn't anywhere in the school.

He left the bathroom and walked quickly toward the front doors. Luckily for him, the halls were completely empty besides a few girls circling around, obviously not concerned with where Kiku was going. He slipped outside and immediately felt goosebumps rise on his arms. The coolness was strangely refreshing despite the fact he was already starting to shiver.

Suddenly, Kiku heard someone approaching the stairs. He froze, wondering what he should do. Try to duck back inside? Say he was late to school? His parents had dropped something off? There wasn't any time to decide as he turned and locked eyes with the person. Upon seeing who it was, he let out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding.

"Kiku? Fuck are you doing out here?" Lovino questioned, tucking his phone in his pocket.

"Um, well I…" Kiku trailed off, unsure of what to say. Lovino scoffed at him.

"If you're going to skip class at least think of an excuse." Kiku sheepishly smiled and darted his eyes away. He settled on the McDonald's across the street from the school and suddenly had an idea.

"I was just going to get something for breakfast, excuse me." Lovino stepped aside and started walking towards the parking lot.

"Finally let that bastard convince you to go there?" He asked, referring to Alfred's past attempts at trying to drag him there during lunch. It reminded Kiku of his past outburst and he had to try and not visibly cringe. At least Alfred had forgiven him. Lovino apparently hadn't wanted an answer as he gave a short wave and pulled out his phone once again.

Kiku jogged through the slush and the many puddles gathered on the sidewalk. Actually, some hot coffee might not be too bad. It would be much better (and healthier) than the drink from earlier. Besides, he couldn't take the car and it would be a long, cold walk without something to heat him up. The first thing he noticed upon walking in was not the rush of hot air hitting his face, but rather the smell of grease it carried. He wrinkled his nose, his gaze immediately drifting towards the baskets of scorching, sizzling grease in the back.

His stomach growled angrily, his mouth watering at the bright pictures of crispy chicken and huge, juicy burgers overflowing with toppings. A man was seated in the back, reading a magazine while he dug into a stack of warm, fluffy pancakes drowning in a lake of sweet syrup. It was almost too much and as he stared he only became more aware of the stabbing hunger pains.

A coffee. That's all he wanted, all he came in for, but now he wondered if he could treat himself to something small. Just a small snack to hold him over until dinner. He would be walking home, and it was a fair distance from there to the school. Scanning the menu, he decided he'd just ask for one of their salads. Hesitantly, he approached the cashier.

"Excuse me, could I have a large, black coffee and a side salad?"

"Side or small?"

"Side, please." She punched in his drink order and looked at the register screen.

"I'm sorry, you'd have to order a meal with that otherwise I can't put it in." Kiku thought for a moment. Maybe he could order something and just toss it out when he got home. He could probably use it to get out of dinner later; besides, it wasn't like he was spending much.

"No problem, I'll have a… number 6 meal then." She smiled and typed it in.

"We're having a buy one, get one free promotion this week- would you like me to double that?"

"Sure," Kiku replied. Wait, what? Why had he said yes? He hadn't even wanted food, to begin with! He just thanked the woman and took his receipt, standing aside to wait for his order. Whatever- he could just toss the whole thing out. As he waited, Kiku scanned the tables.

The man with the magazine was still there, finishing the last of his meal. Across from him were two older women talking over some breakfast sandwiches. Next to them, what was probably another student with an empty tray in front of her. Kiku felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him. They must think he was a pig, walking in so early in the morning and ordering enough junk for two, maybe three people. Definitely three.

He couldn't walk out now, there was nothing to do but stand there shamefully and wait. After what seemed like forever the cashier called his number and he snatched both the bag and his drink off the counter. He left hurriedly, anxious to step back into the frigid air. The hot coffee felt warm and nice in his hand while the bag, practically dripping grease, weighed him down like a concrete block.

Kiku wondered what passersby thought when they saw him. Their voices manifested in his mind, cruel and dripping with contempt. They mocked his pudgy face, his stomach spilling over his waistband like dough in a tube, how his footsteps nearly blew craters in the concrete. All he wanted was to get home and dump it all in the trash where it belonged. He nursed his drink the whole way there, distracting himself with the way it burned his throat and scorched his tongue on the way down.

Finally, finally, he was at his front door. Kiku was exhausted, ready to crawl inside his bed and sleep until tomorrow morning. His legs were cramped, and he was out of breath from walking for so long. He'd heard his phone ringing a few times but he hadn't bothered to see who it was. Kicking off his shoes, he lumbered into the kitchen and dumped both the empty cup and full bag into the garbage. It felt like a weight had been dropped from his shoulders into his stomach as it once again growled in anger.

Wafting past the lid, Kiku could smell the long cold food and he imagined himself taking one, just one, indulgent bite. Almost mechanically his arm reached out and soon he was fishing the brown paper bag out from the can, clenching the top so hard he nearly tore through it. As he walked to his room he heard sirens going off in his head. "What are you doing? Put it back, put it back! Are you really going to eat fast food from the trash like some sort of disgusting pig?"

"It's right there," another voice said, tempting him to keep it, "you deserve it. You need this. Take the chance- eat! Eat now or starve forever- eat!" Kiku dumped the contents out onto his bed, a stream of golden, crisp fries tumbling out. Followed were two large lumps wrapped in thin, white paper and finally, a plastic box crammed with veggies. He ripped the lid off the salad like a wild animal, shoving handfuls of tomato and lettuce into his mouth so quickly he almost choked.

The container was empty far too soon, but that wasn't the last of it. He picked up a single fry, rock hard on both ends and disappointingly squishy. He rolled it between his fingers, watching the salt flake off and grease pour out onto his fingertips when he squeezed. It was far too much to handle. Kiku popped into his mouth, barely getting it down before the next handful reached his lips. When those were done he wasted no time tearing the paper from the burgers taking desperate bites. He was sure he could feel chunks of the wrapper that hadn't come off but none of that mattered to him. In a matter of minutes, he sat in a pile of trash, greedily licking the shimmering oil from his hands.

This time, there was no question in his mind what he needed to do. He ignored the screaming insults and the pit of shame and anxiety in his gut. Kneeling before the toilet he took a deep breath and slipped his fingers into the back of his throat. He gagged once, pressure building in his skull. Once again, and he felt the food churn as it rose back up into his throat. The third time was the charm and he tasted bitter, sour bile mixed with the salt and beef he'd consumed. He shuddered with every episode, tears involuntarily running down his puffy cheeks.

He only stopped to breathe when nothing came back up. Kiku slunk down to the ground, focusing on the welcoming coolness of the bathroom tiles. He felt dirty- both physically and mentally. After a moment of rest, he stood back up and started the shower, making sure to turn the water frigid. Next, he had to dispose of the food sitting mockingly on his bed, a reminder of his own failure.

Kiku couldn't help noticing the grease stains on his quilt and he remembered the hot, bubbling oil bins in the back of the kitchen. How the yellow liquid fat churned and bubbled, threatening to spill over the edge. Frying everything inside to a burnt crisp as it sizzled like acid. His body felt the same way- greasy, grimy, yellow sludge bubbling inside him. Pooling in his stomach, his thighs, his face. Threatening to leak out of his skin until he was nothing left but an empty shell where pound after pound of fat had sat within him. Disgusting- God, he was disgusting. Once everything had been cleaned up he crawled under the blankets, burying his face in his pillows. He gave into exhaustion and drifted off into an uneasy, dreamless sleep.

It didn't feel like long before he felt the bed shaking underneath him. Kiku slowly started to regain consciousness and realized it wasn't the bed that was moving, but somebody trying to shake him awake. He yawned and looked up at the person with groggy eyes. Leon was standing next to him, face painted with concern. His head pounded as he listened to his brother switch between asking why he left and complaining about how long he'd waited after class.

He'd taken Lovino's advice and prepared an excuse beforehand. Without a second thought, he talked about how he'd gone to get food before his first period and how sick it made him afterwards. Leon looked sceptical- something Kiku anticipated since he usually vehemently refused to order fast food, especially in the morning. However, thanks to a strategically placed wrapper and bottle of Pepto Bismal, there was no proof of Kiku lying.

He told Leon he was going back to sleep and asked him to explain what had happened to Yao later. Leon agreed and left his brother alone, feeling sorry for him. To his brother, Kiku was just having a bad stroke of luck. This time, falling asleep was much harder as thoughts of earlier kept replaying like a scratched up disk. He didn't fall asleep until much later, well after everyone else. He was tempted to go downstairs a few times, but he opted to stay wrapped up in the blankets, staring at his phone screen until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer.

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Thank you guys so much for the love on this story :,)


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